A box of Au Groten potatoes flew across the room. It hit Jessie the depressed jester and knocked off her sunglasses. "Where did THAT come from?" she asked in her Transilvanian accent, picking up her glasses and put them back on.
She heard a loud noise, like that of an explosion, and she looked out the window. Down below, in the clouds that surrounded the castle, a small ship floated. The ship was full of odd, dirty, little people, who were all huddled up around a cannon, loading it up with what appeared to be boxes of Au Groten potatoes.
"Alright..." Jessie commented, though she was very confused about the developing situation. "Maybe George would like to know about this."
"Maybe," said a voice from across the room. "What's going on, Jessie?" The question was asked by the Sun King, who had just entered the room upon hearing his name.
"Umm... I'm not quite sure," she said, and another box of potatoes hit her in the head, after the King had ducked it.
"George?" Itsy said, walking into the room, "Something weird is going on!"
"What's new?" Jessie sighed.
"Yes Itsy, I'm fully aware of the fact that something extremely odd is occurring," said the King as he looked out of the window at the ship. "How did that pirate ship get all the way up here?"
"I think Polly might know," commented Jack. "She did the research on pirates for my underground Dine-a-mate mill. Where is she, or don't I want to know?"
"You don't want to know." stated Itsy, George, and Jessie.
"Thanks," he said sarcastically. "That painted a pretty picture."
"Well, at least YOU didn't have to see them this morning." Itsy commented.
"Who?" asked Polly, as she and Paul entered the room, just because that's where everyone else happened to be.
"Noeba Dei and Annieba Dei," Jessie answered, and another box of potatoes flew in through the window. It hit Paul that time. Jessie laughed.
"Ooh," he groaned, "What on Earth was that?!" He bent down and picked up the object. "Hey, I had a dream last night -- about making Au Groten potatoes."
"Au Groten potatoes?!" Polly questioned. "Is there a pirate ship outside?"
"Yeah," said George, "How did you know?"
"Nevermind that!" shouted Polly. "All air signs stay here! All water signs -- outside!"
"WHAT?" the rest asked.
"Jessie, Paul, you stay here. George, Itsy, and I have to go outside," Polly said.
"What about me?" asked Jack.
"Doesn't matter -- you're an earth sign. You can stay or go," said Polly.
"What is she talking about?" asked Itsy, though she didn't realize that she'd just asked the Universal question.
"Signs of the Zodiac," Jessie said, then added, "So you mean I have to stay here with HIM?"
"I'm afraid so," Paul said, making a face at her. "Polly, what's this all about?"
"Too hard to explain, but air can't fight air -- but water can fight air -- we have to de-air the boat." Polly attempted to explain.
"But Polly!" whined Paul, "You're gonna leave me -- and stick me here with Jessie?!"
"It won't be long," Polly said. "I'll miss you."
"I'll miss you more," Paul shmarmed.
"Okay... just 'cause you know I'm cuter."
"You are NOT cuter than me!"
"Yes I am," she said, and they kissed.
"Eww!" groaned Jessie.
"It was worse this morning," Itsy commented. "Polly! POLLY!" she finally got her attention. "What do we need to do?"
"Follow me," she said, as she tried to get Paul to let go of her. Eventually she succeeded, then led Itsy, George, and Jack out of the room.
"Guess it's you and me, Jess," Paul sighed. They both groaned.
"We're all out of potatoes, Crew Captain Bogg!" said a dirty little pirate. "What do we do now?"
Crew Captain Bogg shrugged. "Uh... I dunno. I'd better ask Captain Red Beard."
He knocked on the door to the captain's chamber. "Arr! Wattaya want?!" shouted the captain from behind the door.
"Uh, sir," Crew Captain Bogg started. "We're all out of potatoes. What do we shoot at them now?"
"How should I know?!" shouted Captain Red Beard.
"You are the captain, sir." stated the crew captain. "If anyone should know, it would be you."
"Arr! Go ask Mills!" Red Beard hollered. "She knows -- Arr -- what to do."
"Mills?" Bogg squeaked. "But I'm not supposed to talk to her. Afterall, she turned me into a lizard the last ti-"
"I DON'T CARE IF SHE TURNED YOU INTO A THREE-TOED JELLYFISH!" shouted the captain. "Arr! You are ordered to discuss this with her! Arr!"
Crew Captain Bogg walked up to the pirate-lady known mysteriously as Mills. She wore an eye-patch over one eye as a result of a Hand-Jive accident during which she'd poked out her eye.
Mills had apparently turned her entire former crew into horses and the ship sank due to the fact that they were sailing on the horse latitudes, and she couldn't push them all over by herself. Captain Red Beard and his crew found her and discovered that her magical powers could be a great asset.
Mills' magical powers came from an odd, glued-together, glass object that didn't look very much like an onion. She'd discovered it on a bridge in Paris, where many suicides were known to have occurred.
"Uh, Mills..." Bogg stuttered. "We're all out of potatoes... what now?"
"You're out of potatoes?!" she shouted, "YOU'RE OUT OF POTATOES?! Oh, well... that's good. Now to plan B." She pulled out her glass, not-quite-onion, object. Bogg ducked and shivered.
"Do not fear, Boggy-boy," said Mills. "I'll not use it on you -- I have to save the power. I can't afford to waste it on you." Bogg sighed, wiping the sweat from his forehead. "No, I've got something better, in which we can sneak into the castle during the confusion."
"What 'd you plan to do?" Bogg asked.
"I think I'll change everything around for all who're inside." Mills replied. "Twist things around, make friends into foes, that sorta stuff."
"Neato!" Bogg said. "Can I do anything to help?"
Mills thought. "Actually, yes. You and one of the other men -- say Joe -- can go set up a watch camp in front of the castle. Make sure no one leaves while I'm doing the spell."
"Do you want Rolex or Timex for the camp?" Bogg questioned.
"You fool!" Mills shouted. "A watch camp -- like a LOOKOUT camp! Got it?!"
"Do you think that Captain Red Beard will approve of this scheme of yours?" Bogg asked.
"Red Beard?" she laughed. "That nit-wit with the one letter vocabulary won't care, as long as I tell him that he gets a percentage of the profit."
"Okay," Bogg said. "I'll get right on it!"
"So what was that about de-airing the boat?" asked George, looking confused.
"Alright," started Polly. "The ship's floating in the clouds, right? So that means it's full of light, hot air. So if we come out here and dance around, it'll rain because of the water signs. Got it?"
"What about me?" asked Jack.
"You have to leave and watch the ship," said Polly. Jack left.
"So when it rains the ship will sink back down?" asked Itsy.
"Precisely!" sang Polly. "Now we have to dance. How 'bout the 'Macarana' or -- ooh -- the 'Time Warp'?!" Itsy and George groaned.
There were only three people remaining in the Sand Castle -- Paul, Jessie, and Stan, the castle's guard, who was on his coffee break. As Stan sat in the kitchen, sipping a steaming cup of Cuban coffee, a strange feeling came over him. Instead of wanting to protect the King and Queen, he suddenly felt the morbid urge to slaughter them mercilessly.
A similar strange feeling came over Paul and Jessie, who were in the middle of a large argument, regarding why the sky was blue and the purpose of a round Earth as opposed to the purpose of a flat one.
"No Jessie, you're wrong!" shouted Paul. "The sky's blue because that's the colour of the entire Universe! It can be light blue when the sun scatters about the colour, and it's dark without light! Duhh!"
"Listen Mr. Shmarmy," hollered the jester. "That's not how it works! And just because you're married to my best friend doesn't mean to say that I need to like you..." the strange feeling came over her, causing her to pause. "It's just that... I mean that you... it's... I love you."
"WHAT?!" shouted Paul, then paused as the feeling hit him too. "Oh, Jessie..." They kissed.
Meanwhile, two clumsy pirates set up a ramshackle camp. "Uh... what's this?" asked a small, dirty man with a black mustache and a red bandanna on his head. He pulled a large barrel out of nowhere.
"No!" gasped the other, who was Crew Captain Bogg. "It can't be..."
"Be what?" asked the first one, whose name was Joe.
"It's... it's..." stuttered Bogg with a smile of delight. Joe took off the cap.
"BEER!" sang both of them. They heard echoes of "Beer...BEER...beer..." from all around them.
"I'm still wondering where those come from," stated Bogg, just before the both of them dove their heads into the barrel. Soon they were very, very drunk.
"Hey look! It's raining!" observed one of them. "We'd better get dry."
"Not likely," the other one said, picking up a piece of paper that just had flown to his feet. "A map? Maybe it's to pirate treasure."
"Aren't WE pirates?" the first one asked.
"Hey, that's MY map!" hollered someone.
"Uhh... where's that voice coming from?" asked Bogg as he dizzily looked for the source.
Jack ran over to the two pirates. "What do you think you're doing up here?!" shouted Jack. "This is royal property!"
"What does it look like?" warbled Joe. "'Gettin' bloody drunk!"
"Wanna join us?" Bogg asked, and let out a burp.
"Aah, what the heck," said Jack, taking a swig.
Suddenly a hot dog vender walked up to them. "Hot dogs! Ice cold hot dogs! Get your hot dogs here!"
"Who're you?" asked Bogg.
"My name is Arnie Ching-a-ling-ding-zippida Jr, my mission, to rid the wo of woo's in wofield!" Then Arnie walked away, only to get squashed by a meteor that unexpectedly fell from the heavens.
Back in the ship, Mills looked angry. "It's raining!" she shouted, "The ship's gonna sink!"
"At least you put that spell on the castle," said Captain Red Beard. "Arr! That way we can get inside and take it over."
"How?" asked Mills. "The King wasn't in there."
"ARR!" said Red Beard, "Well, we could go in and steal some stuff. Arr!"
"Good idea," Mills agreed. "Let's get outta here before we sink."
"ARR!"
Polly, Itsy, and George came back into the castle, completely drenched. "Polly?" Itsy asked, "Why'd you make us stay out in the rain so long?"
"To look for Jack..?" Polly (kinda) answered.
"Yeah, right!" laughed the King. "I'm gonna believe that."
"Okay," Polly admitted. "I wanted to get soaked! It's fun out in the rain, alright?"
"Alright," Itsy said. "Where's Stan? He should've been back at the gate by now," She went off to look for the guard.
"Come on, Polly." said George. "Let's go see if we can find what Jessie left of your husband."
"Ono!" shrieked Polly. "Jess probably butchered the poor guy!" George laughed. "It's not funny!" she yelled, "We have to find him before she does more damage!"
They searched the castle and finally found Paul and Jessie -- but not quite how they'd expected to find them. They were kissing.
"PAUL!" cried Polly, then fled from the room in tears.
"Uhh... I feel sick!" groaned the King. "Polly?" He took off after her.
"How COULD he?!" she cried, trying to avoid running back into the room and shoving him out the window.
"This can't be real," commented George, trying to calm her. "They dispise each other... and it's not even that I-hate-you-so-much-that-I-love-you type thing. There's definitely some evil spell at work. I bet it's someone from one of our families."
"Why do you suppose that?" Polly made out, and burst back into tears.
"Because it's always someone from one of our families," stated the King.
"Wait!" shouted Polly. "The pirate ship! Why didn't I think of it before? It's my cousin Mills! She's not powerful or anything, but I wouldn't put it past her."
"Told ya," George remarked. "But what do we do with them?"
"Keep them away from each other! I won't be able to stand that forlorn look on Paul's face, but that's nothin' compared to that disgusting display I just witnessed."
"I'm sorta used to it -- except only with you -- not JESSIE," George said, making a face.
Meanwhile, Itsy found Stan the guard in the kitchen.
"Stan?" Itsy asked, "What's wrong? Why aren't you out guarding the castle?"
Stan lifted up his head. "Must... kill...Queen Itsy..." he said, looking possessed. He grabbed Itsy and carried her out of the castle.
"AAAAAKK!" she screamed. "GEORGE?! POLLY?! SOMEONE?! ANYONE?! HELP!!"
Stan tied her up and held her over the clouds. There seemed to be some horrible monster swimming around in the large cumulous cloud. "Sharpie!" called Stan. "Dinner!"
Itsy gasped as a large blood-thirsty shark opened it's huge jaws just below her dangling body.
Stan looked up to see someone hanging from the top of the castle. "It's the sign!" he exclaimed, set Itsy down and ran off. Itsy sighed a great sigh of relief. It appeared as though someone was stuck to the castle by their head, attached to a map.
"Jack?!" asked Polly and George, as they stared out the window in disbelief. He was stuck to the side of the castle by one of his magic maps. He was in his underwear, and seemed to be extremely drunk.
George opened the window. "What happened?"
"I find your lack of pants disturbing," added Polly.
"The pirates are gonna steal stuff from the castle!" Jack said wildly. "Hide as much as you can!"
The King ran to hide what he could, and dragged Jessie with him so Polly could talk to Paul, though she wasn't sure if she could, after what she'd just seen him doing with her best friend.
"Paul..." she made out. "We need to talk."
"Me?" he asked.
"Yes, Paul. You are Paul," she said.
"Alright, and you are..?"
"Polly," she said, on the verge of tears.
"Hey, what's wrong?" he asked.
"YOU'RE WHAT'S WRONG!" Polly screamed, and pushed him out the window. "Oh my God! I KILLED PAUL!" she whipped out a 9-millimeter, went to shoot herself in the head, then missed, hit Paul's favourite mirror, which flew up, hit her in the face, causing her to trip over Maharishi, and fall out the window, where she landed on a smelly buzzard who was passing by.
"This is utterly ludicrous!" stated the grumpy bird, and threw her off, causing her to land safely in the on the cloud below where Sharpie the shark was happily swimming, and happily ate her.
Somewhere in the afterlife, two happy souls -- or blithe spirits -- felt a sudden jolt. "Paul, dearest? Did you feel that too?" asked one spirit.
"Yeah," other responded. "Did we both die again, and at the same time?"
"I'm afraid so." the part of Polly's soul that was in the afterlife, making her sotra dead replied. "Something's not good about this. I'm worried."
"So'm I, dear." Paul said, "Let's take it up with the Ghostly Powers That Be and the Man In Charge. We need to go back and see what's wrong."
Two parrots flew across the sky, just above the Sand Castle. One laughed. "Ha! Polly, you're a parrot! Polly wanna cracker? SQWAK!"
"Shut up, Paul! You're a parrot too!" she pointed out.
"Nevermind that," he said. "Besides, we're here strictly on business. Afterall, the Man In Charge said that you killed me, then yourself, but why?"
"I'm sure I had good reasons," Polly smirked a parrotly smirk as they flew in through an open window to see Jessie sobbing over Paul's lifeless body.
"That's not at all... odd," said Polly (the parrot). "And where'm I?"
"Polly! That's disgusting! Put your thumb back on, you sicko!" George yelled from outside the room. Polly cackled maniacally and walked into the room. She saw Jessie.
"What's the matter with you?" Polly asked. Jessie sobbed louder.
Then Paul began to wake, and once he did, he and Jessie kissed. "PAUL!" Polly cried, and fell unconscious.
"Oh my God, they got my treasure?" shouted George. "Dirty thieves!" He was heard stomping down the hallway.
"PAUL?!" Polly (the parrot) screamed. "So THAT'S it! You're cheating on me -- and with JESSIE?"
"SPEW!" groaned Paul (the parrot) "Why on Earth..?" Polly (the parrot) tried to hit him with her wing, but wasn't very successful. "Oww! Don't you think I'm enough pain already?! JESSIE?! YUCK!"
"But... why?" asked Polly. (the parrot)
"Evil spell," said a voice from behind the two birds.
"Huh?" they said, turning around to see Cat the Frog behind them, smirking.
"It's an evil spell," she repeated. "Ya see, I could help, but I'd rather watch Paul here make a fool of himself."
"CAT!" screamed Polly. (the parrot) "But what about me?" The frog laughed. "And what about Jessie? How'd she feel?"
"Poor, poor Jessie," admitted the frog magician. "Alright, I'll do it for her... and maybe because I'd never see your tiny feet again if I didn't."
Paul glared at Cat, then at Polly, who whispered something to him, and he smiled, feeling much better.
Cat the Frog took out her magic wand, wiggled her toes, licked her lips, and mumbled something about chicken livers. From outside a loud crash was heard and instantly Jessie seemed very confused, as did Paul, though that's not at all peculiar.
"You twit!" screamed Jessie, and slapped Paul in the face. Paul looked around, shocked and hurt. Jessie stomped out of the room, stepping over Polly's unconscious body on her way out.
"That was a doosey!" said Paul. (the parrot)
"You could say that again," groaned Paul, (not the parrot) rubbing his pain inflicted cheek.
"That was a doosey!" the parrot repeated.
"Thanks," remarked Paul. (not the parrot)
"What'd you do, Cat?" asked parrot Polly.
"I broke the glass onion," she replied casually. "Easy process, there's a whole chapter in my book specifically FOR breaking glass onions."
"Oh," said Polly. (the parrot) "So that was it then?" Cat nodded, then jumped out the window and flew away magically.
"So we're done here, I guess," said Paul, (the parrot) as Polly (not the parrot) began to awaken.
"Maybe not," Polly (the parrot) pointed out. "I don't know exactly how I'd react to all of this."
"Paul..?" Polly said dreamily, gaining consciousness. "PAUL?! JESSIE?! AAAHH!" she screamed. Paul went to comfort her.
"Polly... it's alright," he said softly, "You're okay, it was only a dream. It's over now." He ran his fingers though her hair.
"No! It was real! And you were there... and Jessie was there... and you were..."
"It's all over now," he said, holding her close. "Your pirate cousin had us under some sick spell, but it's all normal -- er -- as it should be now."
"Oh Paul," sighed Polly and parrot Polly. Parrot Paul looked slightly ticked at being out-shmarmed, but then realized it was only by himself anyway.
"I love you!" said all four of them at once, Paul to Polly, Polly to Paul, parrot Paul to parrot Polly (trying to out-shmarm himself,) and parrot Polly to parrot Paul.
"So if we're all together now," started parrot Polly. "does that make us alive again?"
"Naaa, we're dead parrots," Paul the parrot explained. "We're no more, we've ceased to be, we've expired and gone to meet our maker, we're stiffs-"
"That's enough of that," Polly the parrot interrupted. "And I think we should get going before the Man In Charge yells at us again."
"Good idea," agreed parrot Paul. "You definitely do NOT want to get him mad." They left, flying clumsily out the window into the sunset, and disappeared into the clouds.
"Uh, will someone please help me?" asked Jack, still hanging from the roof of the castle. "Please? I'd like to come down now." He sighed, realizing that no one was going to help him get down, or even at least find his pants for him.
