Once upon a time, in a Kingdom that no one can remember (or maybe never existed,) there was happiness. The Evil Queen Lydia (who was not nice,) had been sort of "accidentally" eaten by her own moat monster, and her daughter, the Evil Sorceress Linda, had finally committed suicide, after Sir Paul had called her several things that (for once!) weren't shmarmy. In fact, he was downright rude. So the Kingdom of the Sun was a happy, prosperous Kingdom.
It was (or wasn't) ruled by King George, Lydia's son, and his wife, Queen Itsy, who was from the neighboring Queendom of the Moon. It was nice that the Kingdom was happy, but the Queendom was having problems. While Queen Itsy was off helping to rule her husband's Kingdom, her sister Dorothy was left in charge of the Queendom of the Moon. Unfortunately, she was having trouble.
There were (or weren't) two wildly different types of people in the Queendom: The Preppies and the Grundgies. The groups didn't get along well. These groups did exist in the Kingdom as well, but there were only minorities in the Kingdom because everyone there had this bizarre philosophy that no one could believe the same things as anyone else (this also posed insurmountable problems.)
Anyway, the Preppies were just that -- preppie people who wore beige sweaters, (which never got stained,) got their hair (which was usually blond,) professionally done twice a week, and ironed their straight legged jeans. The other group, the Grundgies, wore open flannel over black T-shirts with silver skulls (or stars and bold letters that said ZERO if they were Pumpkins fans,) loose black, and usually dirty jeans, and steel-toed boots. (Yes, they had steel-toed boots in the Middle Ages. So what? The Flintstones had an answering machine.)
It wasn't just the looks that annoyed each other, it was the life style. Preppies lived in ritzy, upper crust mansions, and hired private minstrels to play soft rock (or tuned their radios to Lite 97, the evil station, to hear the latest song that Celine Dion ripped off,) and they drank Champagne Supernovers. Grundgies lived in small, cluttered houses, in which they hung black-light reactant posters that said things like "DEATH IS COOL", "UNDEAD LIVE!", and "NUKE THE WHALES" or of their favorite bands, like GAS STATION EVERYTHING, BLOWIN' HO-HOS, and SIT ON OTIS.
Queen Itsy herself was a minority found only in the Queendom's capitol city, she was a Hippie. Hippies wore tie-dyed everything, listened to classic rock, and had lots of fractles and magic eye posters. Itsy didn't act much like a Hippie, mostly she just wore her usual long dress (or occasionally a T-shirt that said LENNON LIVES across the top,) her crown, and carried her staff. Unlike her friend Polly, who was a Hippie-extremist, though she also lent towards the Grundgie ways. She also enjoyed drinking Pan-Galactic-Gargle-Blasters, putting her into a category all by herself.
Speaking of Polly, she was married to Paul the bored bard, who had been knighted for services to shmarminess. They lived very contentedly in the Castle of the Sun King. (Actually, to be completely accurate, they died there, thanks to the 'Polly And The Cliff' incident. But they were the other-kind-of-dead, not Grateful, not un-, and not heart-stoppingly so, so no one noticed much.) When Polly and Paul heard about the trouble in the Queendom of the Moon, they rushed to tell Queen Itsy and King George the news.
Itsy immediately used her magical staff (see there was a reason that she always carried it around with her, other than it looked cool. Betcha' didn't know that when you drew it, Nel) to get in contact with her sister Dorothy. (Dorothy wasn't a Hippie, a Grundgie, or a Preppie, she was a Democrat [those are actually political parties, that explains the Champagne Supernovers that the Preppies were always drinking.{but that does not, however, explain Polly's Pan-Galactic-Gargle-Blasters,} More of them {political parties, not refreshing beverages,} may pop up later, but for now, that's all. {Except for the Cheese-Weasels, but technically that's a species, not a political party.}] And if you don't know what a Democrat is, you obviously haven't been brainwashed... er... watched enough CNN yet. [Yes, they had CNN too. Dan Rather has been around, like, as long as stew. {not Partridge, not Suttcliffe, the kind you eat. It is the oldest thingy-bob ever invented.}])
(We apologize for that last paragraph. It was long and pointless.)
For those of you who got completely lost up there, Itsy and Dorothy were talking via. Itsy's magical staff.
"I don't know what to do!" Dorothy whaled. (no, I believe that it would be WAILED -- she's not Captain Ahab.) "One day everything was as normal as it ever gets around here, with the Preppies and Grundgies hating each other peacefully, and the next thing I knew, there were armies all around and everyone was fighting!"
Itsy sighed. "I suppose it was inevitable. They are exact opposites, so I guess they just couldn't be peaceful. How do the Hippies and Democrats feel about it?" she asked.
"The Hippies just keep walking around giving people flowers and singing 'Scarboroh Fair With Canticle' at me! They won't join either side, however, and get extremely depressed whenever anyone steps on a bug. The Democrats just talk about what war will do to our economy," Dorothy said. "I don't know what to do!"
"Who are the leaders of the groups?" Itsy asked.
"That's the worst part! Remember Fuleasha from the battle against Lydia, and Josh, Jack's weird friend?" Dorothy asked.
"Of course I remember, they were my good friends!" Itsy exclaimed. "Are you trying to tell me that Josh and Fuleasha are fighting each other?"
Dorothy nodded grimly. "It seems that Fuleasha is very preppie, and Josh is definitely grundge." she said. "And they're the one's who started the war."
"Oh dear," Itsy mumbled. "That could cause trouble!"
"What could?" asked Polly, who had apparently followed Itsy. (She had, on occasion, followed her home as well.)
"There's a war in the Queendom of the Moon," Itsy explained. With Polly was Sir Paul, King George, Jack the-SPAM-knight, and Jessie the-maniacally-depressed-jester.
"Var. Don't even talk to me about var. Here I am, viss a brain capable of a pervect vone-hundred average, and vat am I doing? Being a jester in a vorgotten or non-existing dinky court vor an ex-superstar and his very short and very loud wife. And all ze nerves in my levt leg hurt." Jessie moped.
"What does that have to do with war?" asked Polly.
"Not vone zing," Jessie said with a remorseful sigh. "If I had to do it over again, I vouldn't." Polly just shrugged that off.
"So what do we do about the war?" Paul asked. (Paul wasn't a Hippie, Democrat, or any of the other previously mentioned groups. He was simply confused.)
"Stop it," Itsy answered. Paul rolled his eyes.
"How?" he asked. Itsy shrugged,
"I was hoping you'd know," she said. "Afterall, you're the knight-in-shining-armour."
"What's that got to do with it?" Paul asked. Itsy shrugged again.
"I don't know, but that's not the point," she answered, then added, "I don't have a point, but if I did, that would not be it."
"On the top of your head!" the SPAM-man said.
"Shut up Jack!" Itsy yelled.
"Shut up Itsy!" Jack yelled back.
"SHUT UP JACK!" everyone else yelled on Itsy's behalf.
"So, how do we get the Queendom to stop the war?" Polly asked.
"We have to use a magic portal. Hey, do we still have the SPAM MAPS?" Itsy said.
Jack made a small noise. "Um, no," he said. "I kind of, uh, used them to store my SPAM-juice in, and the juices kind of, sort of, ate away at them, the same way it ate away at the Sportsman's Goop, and the maps are gone now."
Someone threw something at Jack. He ducked it.
"Vat else is zere?" Jessie asked. "Vissout ze maps, hope is lost. Hope. I never hoped anyvay. Vat's ze point of hoping if your hopes are going to be squashed by the veight of veality?" No one answered her second question, but George supplied an answer to the first.
"We can use our Sun-and-Moon staffs to get in contact with the Great Llama on Pluto, and ask him," he suggested. And so they did.
"Llamallamallama... there's a portal through the dementions in Itsy's locker that you can use...llamallama," the Great Llama chanted.
"No there's not," Polly said. "There's just junk and pictures of her husband!"
"Llamallamallama... it's in the back...llamllama," the Great Llama said.
"There's a back to Itsy's locker? Who knew?" asked Paul.
"Shaddap, o-shmarmy one!" Itsy snapped, "I just cleaned it a few months ago, so it's clean."
"Clean is a relative term with Itsy." Jack said.
"Shut up Jack!" Itsy snapped.
"Shut up Itsy!" Jack snapped back.
"SHUT UP JACK!" everyone else yelled.
"Llamallamallama... that reminds me...llamallama... I have to go play chess against... llamallama... the Bearded Goat God... llamallama," the Great Llama chanted, then added, "Llamallamallama...five moves...llamallama..."
"Okay, let's find that... portal... in Itsy's locker," George said.
"Is zat like Davey Jones' locker?" Jessie asked.
"Well, she's as short as he was," Polly said, then Itsy punched her arm. "Oooow!"
"I hope it bruises again," Itsy muttered, as they walked down a ugly orange and blue lockers. Some weird bald kid, a Techie (see, there's another political party,) was yelling about them ganging up on him, and how the lockers all bit him.
"Go away Pop," they said in unison. Pop went away. They reached Itsy's locker and put in a combination. It didn't open. She tried again. It was stuck.
"HII-YA!!" she yelled, slamming a vicious kick into the innocent locker.
"Hey!" someone shouted from inside. "Care-" there was the sound of something falling. "-OW!-ful!" the person finished. Itsy finally opened her locker.
Cheddar, King of the Cheese-Weasels walked out. "I thought I would never get out of there!" he said, then tried to kick Polly, who kicked him back.
"What were you doing in my locker?!" Itsy demanded.
"Some thugs shoved me in there. Said I was a smarmy git... whatever that is," Cheddar said.
"You did say SMarmy, right, not SHMarmy?" Polly asked.
"Yeah, SMarmy, so what?"
"Good. Wesley Crusher is SMarmy, but Paul here is SHMarmy," Itsy explained.
"He is not!" Polly objected.
"Vatever," said Jessie, who wanted a line.
"Shall we go?" asked George.
Itsy shrugged. "Why not?" she asked, then stomped on her coat, a few binders, and a whole mess of papers on her way through the messy locker.
"Hey, look at the three-headed fish," Jack commented.
"Must've been eating school food." Itsy said, ignoring it.
"Au revior, mon cheri," Polly said to a picture of Paul that was taped to Itsy's locker.
"Umm, Polly, Paul is coming with us," George said. Polly grabbed the picture anyway, and wouldn't give it back.
"Give it back, or I'll tell Rianne it's open season on Polly-heads!" Itsy snapped.
"Oh, come on!" Polly laughed. "As if she'd waste her time scaring me while she and Keith have to go to all of their 'Seventeen' photo shoots!"
"I'll tell Paul what juicy stuff you told me about him," Itsy threatened.
"What did you say about me, Polly!" Paul shouted.
"Nothing!" Polly claimed. "Itsy, what are you talking about?!"
"You know, how you said that he..." the Queen said, then whispered the rest to Polly. She and Polly giggled.
"Fine!" Polly said, and gave the picture back. Itsy continued to venture into her locker.
She ducked under a final obstacle, commenting, "These lockers are bigger than they seem," and through a glowing green portal. The rest of the group followed her.
Meanwhile, in the Queendom of the Moon, Josh was yelling something at Fuleasha.
"Yeah, well, your mother wore army boots!" Fuleasha yelled back.
"I know!" Josh shouted, "So do I, only mine have steel toes!" His almost shoulder length hair flopped in his face, covering the lip-liner that lined his eyes.
"Those are sooooo last year," Fuleasha said.
"Yeah fluffy-brains, grow some hair!" Josh yelled because his hair was longer than hers.
"Get a hair cut!" Fuleasha yelled back, then drank a whole Champagne Supernover in one gulp.
Dorothy ran in between the yelling Preppie and Grundgie. "Hey you two, knock it off! The Queen is on her way home! You wouldn't want Her Majesty to see this, would you?"
"Her Majesty's a pretty nice girl, but she's got a LOT to say," Josh said. "And I don't even like The Beatles (with their long, long hair)."
"Me neither," Fuleasha commented.
"See?" Dorothy exclaimed frantically, "That's one thing you have in common!"
"That's a fluke!" Fuleasha snapped, then added, "Fluke, I am your father..."
"That was a good movie," Josh said.
"See? That's two!" Dorothy exclaimed.
"I don't think I like you!" Josh snapped.
"Me neither!" Fuleasha added.
"That's three!"
Meanwhile, the Queen had arrived at the Moon Castle. "Moon Scepter, illimination!" she yelled, then blew up a defenseless playing card with her scepter. "Moon Crystal! Moon Tiara! Moon-"
"Why don't we see how Dorothy's doing?" George interrupted.
"Moon -- oh, okay," Itsy agreed, then yelled, "HEY DOROTHY!"
Dorothy ran in. "Oh, you're here!" she exclaimed. "I think it's okay now. Their down in the court-yard drinking Champagne Supernovers, trying to figure out whose hair is longer." Dorothy said.
"So ve came all zis vay vor noving?" Jessie sighed.
"Well, yeah." Dorothy said. "I guess."
"...mumblemumblemumbleSPAMmumblemumble..." Jack mumbled. "...mumblemumble-must find SPAM-mumblemumble."
"Quoi?" asked Paul, who hadn't had a line for a while.
"...mumblemumble-otherwise I'll lose at chess to the Bearded Goat God- mumble..." he said, still mumbling, "mumblemumble-have to trade in for a toaster- mumblemumble..." he continued, "...mumblemumble-five moves-mumble mumble..."
"What?!" asked Polly, who also hadn't had a line for some time.
"I SAID 'mumblemumble-SPAM-mumblemumble-Must find SPAM- mumble," Jack said. "...mumblemumble-Otherwise I'll lose at chess to the Bearded Goat God-mumblemumblemumble-Have to trade in for a toaster-mumblemumble, mumble mumble-five moves-mumble," Jack finished. "...mumble mumble-Did that help-mumblemumble?"
"No, not really," Paul said. "Oh well, it's gonna be a Hard Day's Knight."
"I can't velieve zis is happening," Jessie said, then turned to walk back through the portal.
"Yes, it is," Itsy said, then added, "Wait! It won't be long!"
"Vat von't be?" Jessie asked.
"I dunno, it's in the script... the next line is something about a horse and an open bathroom window," Itsy explained.
"...mumblemumble-'the bathroom window's open, I suspect she came in though that,'-mumblemumblemumble..." Jack said.
"What's with the mumbling?" Polly asked.
"...mumblemumble-everyone keeps telling me to shut up-mumblemumble," the SPAM knight mumbled.
"Ah, well... let's go home," George said. "I guess this is the normal happy ending."
"...mumblemumble-normal is a relative term with Itsy-mumblemumble mumble..." Jack said.
"SHUT UP JACK!" three or four people yelled.
"...mumblemumble..." was Jack's only reply.
