(originally a French report on Versailles)
"Why didn't anyone tell me this before?!" shouted George, the Sun King. "After all these years of ruling this Kingdom as 'the Sun King,' you tell me it's already been done?!"
The King was extremely upset. This is very obvious if you had been paying attention to his previous statement, which I doubt you were. But as long as you're paying attention from now on, it's alright -- I suppose. Anyway, George the Sun King was the ruler of the Kingdom of the Sun, which just happened to be interesting, colourful, magical, and a bunch of other adjectives that I really don't feel like listing right now. George and his wife, Itsy the Moon Queen, ruled very happily from their home, the Sand-Castle-on-a-cloud-smack-dab-in-the-middle-and-above-the-Kingdom.
Their 'court' consisted of Jack the SPAM knight, Jessie the maniacally depressed jester, Sir Paul, and Lady Polly, not to mention Stan the guard and various others.
"Well, we could always go back in time to yell at Louis XIV," the SPAM knight suggested. "I'm borrowing the couch from 60 year old Jack. As long as I bring it back without any dents or scratches before 10:00 tonight, it'll be fine."
"But I thought 'Time travel is immoral, stupid paradoxes, blah-blah-blah,'" Polly commented.
"Heck, I'm not old and bitter yet!" Jack stated. "Wait, we're not even to that story! AAAGGH! STUPID PARADOXES! D'OH!"
"Calm down, Jack!" shouted Itsy in her usual, unusually loud voice. "We've got to get to the plot before everyone loses interest and falls asleep. Hmmm... sleep. In fact, that's not a bad idea..." Itsy sat down on the couch and dozed off.
Well, we might as well go to Versailles and tell off this Louis XIV character, before they come to take us away." said King George.
"Good thinking. I'm gonna need a castle, they've got castles in Versailles..." Paul sang shmarmily. Polly sighed and everyone else groaned.
Finally, they all jumped on 60 YOJ's magical time-traveling couch, and were transported to Versailles in the year 1684.
"We can look for castles, pretty castles in the sky..." Paul sang again. Everyone glared at him, so he stopped. "What do we do now?" he said, pointing out that they were in the middle of a very large room, being watched by a very large man.
"Who're you?" asked the round, royal-looking man who was staring at them in shock and amazement.
"I am George -- the Sun King," George greeted with a friendly bow. "This is my wife, Itsy, the Moon Queen," Itsy woke up, and then realizing what was happening, curtsied.
"Hello," the man responded. "I am Louis XIV, and WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THE MIDDLE OF MY CASTLE?!"
"Well, um -- ahem -- your, um, Majesty, we're on a mission -- from God." George explained. "You're known as the Sun King, are you not?"
"Of course I am!" King Louis XIV answered proudly. "And you're the same?"
"Yes, actually." George said. "I was wondering if maybe... to, uh, avoid confusion you... could possibly..."
"Change MY name?!" shouted Louis XIV. "NEVER!"
"Oh, but PLEASE!" the King begged, then remembered that he should remain as kingly as possible. "I would appreciate it immensely, as would the others here." He pointed to Jack, Jessie, Paul, Polly, and Itsy on the couch, who all waved at their mention.
"Well, maybe we could discuss it, if it means all that much." Louis XIV said, "Follow me. We'll talk about it in the Hallway of Mirrors. It was just finished, and I've been dying to see if my diet's been working." Jack, Jessie, Polly, Paul, Itsy, and George all in shock.
"Hallway of Mirrors?!" asked, George, Itsy, Jessie, and Paul.
"A diet?" snickered Polly and Jack in a low whisper, though they had to comment on Louis' enormous size.
As they walked down the amazingly luxurious hallways of the castle that was almost as large as it's King, Louis XIV told about it's history.
"When I moved in two years ago, it was still under construction. The courtiers would whine and complain about how they would always be stepping in mud puddles here and there, but I still think the place is grand, don't you?" he asked.
They all nodded.
"They began building in 1661 -- took almost thirty years for it to be completed," he continued. "Two thousand two hundred men and six thousand horses they used. The interior, as you see here, was designed by Le Brun, and the outer gardens were all done by Le Notre. Fantastic fountains -- over 460 of them. We had to bring in water for them, this land was an absolute mess. We had to drain all these deep water marshes and level out the land before we could even start building."
"Sounds horrible," said Jessie, being depressed as usual. "And I hope you realize that the only reason I said anything was because I wanted some attention. But go on..." she said with a deep sigh of remorse.
King Louis XIV scratched his head. "These dratted wigs are always so itchy!" he complained. A small rat popped it's head out of the tangled curls that made up the wig.
"That thing's a RAT'S NEST!" Itsy screeched, pointing at the wig.
"Well, it IS a bit messy," Louis admitted.
"No, no! There's a rat sticking out of it!" she squeaked again. The rat looked offended and crawled back out of sight.
Louis seemed a bit embarrassed. "Um, I don't get much of a chance to wash this thing,"
"Why a wig, though?" Itsy questioned.
"Well, in 1670 I went completely bald. I didn't want to go around looking like the Lord of the Buzzards, so I got a wig. Now, anyone who's ANYONE is wearing one."
"Oh," said Polly, who was feeling left out of the conversation. "I guess I'm just not anyone."
"Why not check out Rogaine?" Paul asked King Louis XIV, pulling a big bottle out of his pocket. He handed it to the hairless monarch. "Here." he said with a cheesy smile, "Try a free sample."
Polly stared at Paul and laughed. "So THAT'S your big secret, isn't it?" Paul turned slightly red, then brushed his fingers through his thick and healthy brown hair.
"Well..." he said. Polly giggled, so he stole her hat.
"Paul, give it back!" she screamed.
"Nope, can't." Paul stated, waving the black beret just out of her reach.
"Stop being so immature!" Itsy shouted. Paul gave Polly her hat back and they quieted down.
Louis XIV studied the bottle carefully, then returned it to Paul. "Thanks, but no thanks. I really never liked my natural hair anyway. It was always so dry and hard to manage."
"So anyway," said King George. "Can we get back to this 'Sun King' business?" Louis XIV stood there, looking at the mirrors, that were all very symmetrical and reflective.
"Why is this so important?" he asked. "Can't we both be 'Sun Kings'?"
"No, of course not!" snapped George. "One of us is going to have to change!"
"Might I make a suggestion?" Jessie said with a sigh.
"NO!" hollered both Sun Kings, very irritably.
Jessie went on anyway, though she never expected anyone to actually be listening. "I think that perhaps neither of you could be Sun Kings."
"But that'd be no fun!" said Itsy. "Besides, if George wasn't the Sun King, I'd have to change MY name so it wouldn't sound dumb. And what would that do to the Kingdom -- and the Queendom?!"
"Well, don't look at me," said King Louis XIV. "I'm not changin'!"
"Neither am I!" stated George.
"Yeah," challenged Louis. "Well, l'etat c'est moi!"
"What?" asked George.
"He said, 'I am the state!'" Jack translated.
"You could say that again," Paul whispered to Polly. "He's bigger than Texas!"
"Then wouldn't that make him Alaska?" she commented. They looked at Louis and laughed.
"Fine, let's go home!" shouted Itsy, who was becoming extremely fed up with this whole fiasco.
Jessie sighed. "Finally, someone had the sense to say it."
"No, let's go to Chenonceau!" exclaimed Jack. "I need to meet myself!"
"Quoi?" asked Paul. "Is 60 YOJ or very old Jack at Chenonceau?"
"No," said Jack. "I'm 'Enery VIII, I am!"
"I should've guessed," remarked Jessie. "But why waste the brain power?"
"I suppose you're going to whip out that spare pair of legs to compare their
shapeliness with Henry VIII, am I right?" Polly commented. Jack squelched at her, then nodded in guilt.
Then King George looked at the obviously confused and irritated King Louis, and extended his hand. Louis took it and they shook. "Sorry to trouble you," George apologized.
"Oh, not at all," said Louis cheerfully. George thought he heard Louis add something to that, but it was murmured too low for him to make out what it was that he'd said. He shrugged it off.
They all said their farewells and hopped back onto the couch. Suddenly, just as they were about to leave, a large squad of police men burst in though the door and surrounded them with huge Kill-O-Zap guns.
"Don't anybody move!" threatened half of them.
"What seems to be the trouble, officers?" asked Louis XIV, "Who are you anyway, and what are those shiny contraptions you're holding?"
"I am Shooty --" half the officers said. "This is Bang-Bang." he added, pointing to his partner. "The other officers around the room are just mirror images of us."
"Oh," said Louis XIV, though he was still curious about the guns. Shooty and Bang-Bang went to Jack, got out a pair of handcuffs, and locked him up with them.
"What's this all about?" Jack asked in a panic.
"Dine-a-mates." stated Bang-Bang. "We've received information that you've been smuggling Dine-a-mates. You're under arrest, you scum-bag!"
"And you too," Shooty added, handcuffing Polly. "The Fashion Police have been after you for ages!"
"Hey!" Paul shouted, "Polly has a very unique and charming style of dress. And secondly -- I'm the only one who should be handcuffing her!" The police officers dragged her and Jack off anyway.
They all appeared in court months later. Jack was found guilty of having an underground Dine-a-mate mill that produced and sold illegal Dine-a-mates across the globe. He pleaded insanity -- the jury agreed. They allowed him to go free.
The Fashion Police held a strong case against Polythene. "Wearing earthy colours with blues, greens, and purples. Always wearing the same black beret atop that frazzled poof of unkempt hair with blond streaks! Come on, now!"
The judge argued for deportation, but there was nowhere that would allow such an outcast as Polly to live there. She became very depressed.
Polly was accused of witchcraft and was burnt at the stake. She, of course, came out alright, though ticked and slightly barbecued. Everyone (except obviously Paul, Jessie, Jack, Itsy, and George) was so shocked that she had survived, that they had no idea what to do with her -- seeing as all other witch trails had ended with someone being dead, and REMAINING dead. The baffled judge allowed her to go free as well.
Finally, they all got back to the couch and left, returning to their own time .
