A long, long time ago, in a place that no one can remember (or maybe never existed,) there was a magnificent (not to mention interesting, colourful, magical, surprising, artistic, musical, beautiful, wonderful, and symmetrical) kingdom called the Kingdom of the Sun. But then again, you should already know that, but if you didn't, you should now. Not like that matters much anyway, seeing as this story starts somewhere else.
It was a cold day on Pluto (well of course, it's always cold there,) but that doesn't matter much either because none of the characters that are being written about were there at this time. Not even Jack-the-SPAM-knight, who usually was. Instead, Jack was on Mars looking for chocolate bars and examining the sodium-nitrate that was supposedly in the rocks there. He had just sat to his lunch of spamon on rye when the Great Llama suddenly appeared at his side.
"Jack," the Great Llama said. "I have an important mission for you."
Jack groaned. "Couldn't it wait 'till after I've finished my lunch?" he complained, his mouth full.
"No!" the Llama stated, "It's urgent."
"Oh," Jack mumbled, looking down at the sandwich that seemed to be saying, "Eat me!" which surprisingly enough, it was. The spamon wasn't quite dead yet. "Well, what is it?"
"I need you to find something or someone known as Speck," the Llama explained. "I had a vision last night. I don't know what it is, but it's extremely important. This will definitely be a challenge for you, but I have a few helpful hints, so you can use them to find Speck."
"What are they?" Jack asked. He'd gotten impatient and hungry, so he began eating again.
"Have you ever heard of the Purple Stone Road?" asked the Llama. "It's right by the Yellow Brick Road, but it doesn't take you to the Wizard, but it should lead you to Speck instead. Follow this road carefully, Jack, for lurking in the Deep, Dark Forest are mysterious beings known as the Black Souls, who will capture tired travelers and take them to their leader, Elackbah, Mistress of the Black Souls, Goddess of the Shadows. But you'll be safe if you stay on the trail."
"Go on," said Jack, stuffing his face and ignoring the Llama's instructions.
The Great Llama continued patiently, "Now, you cannot travel alone, for at the end of the road is a mural, and there the path splits into four sections. Each person needs to take a path leading to a horrible blood-thirsty monster made of their own individual fears, and one person stands guard at the mural. Once all the monsters are slain, the mural will collapse and Speck will be revealed. But Elackbah has been after Speck's powers for years and will attempt to steal it. Just don't let that happen, alright? Speck must be brought to me to get in touch with it's inner llama-llama, do you understand?"
"I think," Jack said. "Did you say something about wanting a piece of chum?"
"No!" hollered the Llama, "Have you even been listening?"
"Umm..." Jack replied.
"Here, just take this!" the Great Llama shouted, handing him a book. In big gold letters on the cover it read: WHAT THE LLAMA JUST SAID. "It has every bit of advice you'll ever need from a Llama. Use it wisely, Jack!" The Great Llama disappeared and Jack found himself back at the Sand Castle.
"I wish I could do spiffy stuff like that!" exclaimed Jack. He was standing in the middle of one of Jessie's jester performances.
"Oh, life..." Jessie moaned, monotoniously. "Just as I begin to become the center of attention, you have to pop in and ruin my one moment in the spotlight. Life, oh...I should know the disappointment by now. Here I am, with a brain the size of-"
"Ba dum dum ching!" Polly interrupted, pounding on the drums.
"THAT'S IT!" the depressed jester screamed. "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! AAAHHHHGG!!!" Jessie ran from the room, and everyone applauded. She returned, with an astounded expression on her face. "Don't pretend you enjoyed that," she stated. "I know you all despise me, and everything I do-"
"Ba dum dum ching!" Polly added. Jessie screamed again, and tackled Polly, who let out a scream as well.
"Order!" the King yelled, "I demand order in this court!"
"I'll have a number five," Jack ordered. "Super-sized."
"SHUT UP, JACK!" demanded Itsy. "I'm trying to watch Jessie beat up Polly."
"Paul?" George asked. "Why aren't you breaking this up?"
He laughed a little. "Well, even I'll admit Polly deserves it. And Jessie can't do that much damage to her anyway." Paul said, as Jessie took the drumsticks from Polly and hit her on the head with them. "Besides, I always love a good cat-fight."
Finally, the King broke up the fight. "Okay, you two. Now kiss and make up." Jessie jokingly puckered up, and surprisingly received a big wet one from Polly, who then hugged her. Paul gaped.
"I love you, man!" Polly said.
"Nobody loves me..." the vampire muttered.
"POLLY!" Paul screamed. "What are you doing?!"
"Darning my socks?" Polly replied.
"Okay." Paul shrugged.
"Hey, you guys!" Jack announced, "You're all gonna help me search for Speck!"
There was silence, and George, Itsy, Jessie, Polly, and Paul blinked. Finally, the Queen asked, "We're gonna do WHAT?"
"Help me search for Speck!" Jack exclaimed, very enthusiastically.
"And how long will this take?" Jessie asked, looking very Jessie-like. (That is, of course, depressed.) "I have an appointment tomorrow with Francois, my stylist, though none of you care..."
Jack took out the WHAT THE LLAMA JUST SAID book, flipped a few pages, read a bit, then answered, "Yes, we should be back tomorrow. The Purple Stone Road isn't far from here, and the mural's only a few miles down the road, but it says here that we only need a party of five -- that'd be me, Itsy, George, Paul and Polly... we don't need you to come!" exclaimed Jack.
"Thanks," sighed the jester. "That'd make me depressed, but it's too late for that, isn't it?"
"But I suppose you could come too, as long as we consider Paul and Polly to be some sort of one person mutation as a result of extensive exposure to shmarm rays," said George.
"Alright," agreed the SPAM-knight. "So when we get to the mural, avoid Elackbah, Mistress of the Black Souls, and defeat the monsters, we just have to send Speck to Pluto and then we can go home."
"MONSTERS?!" everyone (except Jack) asked.
"Yeah, but it shouldn't be too bad," Jack said. "I think the Black Souls are the real problem."
"WHAT?!" everyone (excepting Jack once more{and also Polly and Paul, who said "QUOI?!", which is technically the same thing.}) questioned.
"Well, this looks like a job for 'the knight-in-shining-armour', huh, Paul?" asked Itsy, rather smugly. Paul looked frightened and everyone (including Jack this time,) laughed. (excepting Paul, who was being laughed AT.)
"You all doubt my courage, don't you?" Paul asked, feeling insulted. "I'm brave, really!" he boasted. "Right, Polly?"
Polly hugged him. "Sure you are, dear..." she comforted, though even she had her doubts.
"Are you patronizing me?" Paul confronted.
"Umm..." Polly thought, "Yes, but of course."
"Geez!" he groaned, and looked down at her. "But I still think I'm pretty brave... I'm always keeping you out of trouble."
Polly sighed, "Paul, dear, you ARE all my trouble." They then, expectedly, kissed shmarmily.
And with that, everyone else groaned, and left the room to prepare for their latest adventure. Itsy packed a picnic basket and tried to fit Maharishi into it so he could come along, but he was a big sheepdog and didn't like being shoved into tiny baskets, so Itsy gave up. Polly yelled at her for even making the attempt in the first place.
They left the castle and began their journey, following the road of purple stones. George forced Sir SPAM-a-lot and Sir Paul to wear their armour because they were on a quest. (And also because Jack's boot's were too small and would make his feet hurt. {Jack's feet DID grow an entire shoe size every two days.} and because the King knew that Paul wouldn't want to wear his helmet and mess up his hair.)
"You know, you two sorta look like twins." teased the King and both Jack and Paul scowled. Polly hit George.
"If I had the chance, I'd assassinate you for that." Polly said, "But was that an insult to Paul or a complement to Jack?"
"An insult to both, I suppose." George laughed, hitting her back. Polly swatted him again, only to get a punch in the arm by the Queen, who gave her a don't-ever-hit-him-again-or-I'll-take-away-your-dumbstupid-hat look. Polly sulked and rubbed her arm.
Jessie walked slowly behind the rest of the group, believing that no one even realized that she was there at all. "Of course I'm left all by myself," Jessie said with a heavy sigh. "I didn't expect anything else... Polly's continuously with her precious Paulsy-Waulsy, and the King and Queen are usually together -- besides, I don't belong with royalty anyway. They've always bothered me. And I can't talk to Jack without wanting to punch him right in that weird-looking face of his." she sighed again. "No one likes me. And I don't even know why I'm bothering to talk because I know no one's listening."
But actually someone, or something, was. "Pisst!" it whispered, "Down here!"
Jessie looked down at the road of purple stones to see a small piece of blueish-gray dust fly by. It appeared to have facial features -- big, bright orange eyes, a small round nose, and a silly smile, complete with moldy green teeth.
"And who are you?" Jessie asked sarcastically, "Gesundheit, Lord of the Dust-bunnies?"
The strange lint creature laughed hysterically, then finally answered, "No, I am Speck!"
"Speck?" asked Jessie. "Appropriate name."
The creature was engulfed by gulls of laughter again. "Oh, you are funny!" he exclaimed, "And that Transilvanian accent is marvelous! I see from your outrageous attire that you must be a jester. Good occupation for one of your talents."
It was then Jessie's turn to laugh. "Ha, you're funny too! That's the best joke I've ever heard!"
"I was being completely truthful." the minute Speck stated.
"Really?" the depressed jester asked with a smile. Her smile soon faded back to her normally fixed state. "Thanks, I guess. Well, I must be going. My so-called friends are looking for some Speck thing -- oh yeah, that's you."
Jessie continued to walk behind the rest of the group, Speck floating behind her, unnoticed by the others.
After a while, they entered the Deep Dark Forest, but the crew still pressed forward. On one of the large, dark trees there was a sign reading BEWARE OF THE BLACK SOULS!
"This is where the fun begins!" Jack announced, as he pondered the question of how a sign could read if it had no eyes, deciding finally that signs knew Braille. He looked at a page in his book and said, "Now, don't get off the road no matter what, guys. The Black Souls use mind tricks to lure off weary travelers. Ignore them. They are illusions and not the solutions they promise to be. Just stay on the road!"
For once, they all took Jack's advice and stayed very close together. Jessie began chanting softly, "...lizards and bees and bears --oh my!"
They all looked back at her. She shrugged and they continued creeping through the spooky, frightening woods.
Jack led the way, looking very wise and brave, holding the Llama's book in one hand and his protective shield of SPAM in the other. Itsy walked behind Jack, clenching onto George's arm. The King looked rather smug, that is until he remembered who was directly behind him. He glanced back at Paul, who was smugly carrying Polly. Polly was, of course, the most smug of all, though Jessie came in a close second with her I-know-something-you-don't-know attitude as she and Speck followed the rest.
The smugness soon faded as everyone noticed the forest growing darker and strange noises began coming out of the darkness. The path seemed to shrink, becoming so narrow that George decided that he had to carry Itsy to keep her close.
Paul and Polly rolled their eyes, disgusted by their royally annoying mockery.
Jack flipped a few pages in the book and read. "Hey, wait!" he exclaimed, "Paul, can you let Polly go so she can help me up here? I need her to rhyme something."
Polly looked at Paul, who reluctantly released her, and she made her way up to the front of the line. "Well, wattaya need? Uh -- rhyming-wise anyway," she asked.
Jack glared at her and squelched. "You need to rhyme here what's gonna happen. It says -- AHEM -- ' Now that you feel you could not fail, someone will wander from the __(blank)___.'"
"Oh, that's easy!" said Polly.
"The whale, right?" asked le SPAM chevalier.
"The trail, you moron." muttered Polly. She took off her hat and hit him with it, then placed it carefully back on top of her poof of red hair. "You dragged me up here for THAT? You bovine lout!" She stormed back off to her Knight-in-shining-armour, but let out a very loud, very high-pitched scream. "PAUL! H-h-h-he's-he's GONE!"
"Ah," said George. "Someone will wander from the trail! Eureka!" Polly burst into tears.
Itsy tried to calm her. "Now Polly, what could possibly happen to him? The worst thing they could do is kill him, and what'd be the point in that?"
Polly sniffled. "True. He'll be just fine... but I'm lonely now..."
