The chilling little Planet of Pluto, located deep in the depths of the universe was a pleasant, serene, undisturbed place. Pluto was a cool place, quite literally, but it wasn't as interesting, colourful, magical, surprising, artistic, musical, beautiful or wonderful as some place else ( which really never existed anyway.) Pluto was though, quite real, as well as the small plutonian inhabitants of the tiny, frozen planet.
Two of these plutonians were peacefully sitting on a rock, discussing that day's events (which, by the way, was equal to six days on Earth) when they suddenly heard a loud screech coming from the sky. They looked up to see something dropping right above them. Assuming that it was the sky that was falling in such an expedient fashion, they pressed themselves to the ground and covered as many of their numerous eyes as they could. The large black falling object would've landed on top of the two creatures if it had not been for a magical couch that suddenly materialized over them, an older version of Jack lounging comfortably on it. The thing landed on the side opposite of Jack.
"Stupid immorality of time travel..." he grumbled.
The startled plutonians crawled out from under the couch just before Jack and the couch disappeared, causing the unidentified falling object to smash onto the surface of the icy planet. The curious plutonians examined it, then puzzled, they dragged their discovery to the nearby llamsarey of the all-knowing Great Llama.
The knowlagable Llama studied it carefully, and upon his realization that the thing was a powerful, evil being, chanted the plutonian phrase that shunned vile foreigners to a far away place.
"Yoda...soda...North Dakota...exploda!"
When the Evil Sorceress Linda awoke, she found a pair of extremely long legs standing over her. The legs were attached to an odd-looking girl with huge eyes and long blond hair and meatballs on top of her head. The girl was wearing a sailor suit with a very short skirt.
"I am Solar Sailor!" announced the meatball haired girl. "You are trespassing on Moon property, and by the powers of the moon, I will punish you!" She did some very weird hand movements in front of Linda's face.
"But I didn't know." the sorceress explained, "Couldn't you just help me get home, instead of being a weird, mean brat?"
"Since you put it that way..." the sailor pondered. "NO!"
"Help me get home, or I'll destroy you with my bare hands!" Linda threatened.
"NO!" hollered Solar Sailor.
Because the weird sailor girl refused to help her, Linda did destroy her with her bare hands (and a few rocks were involved.) When one of those rocks hit the girl's head, the rock broke to reveal a bright, onion-shaped object made out of glass. After Linda beat up the sailor, she discovered that this glass onion had magical powers. This onion and her location gave the Evil Sorceress the perfect idea how to wreak her revenge on her worst enemy -- Polly.
Linda hated Polly for many reasons, but mainly because Polly had just recently been married to Paul, Linda's true love. Linda also held a grudge against her own brother, George the Sun King, as well as Queen Itsy, their maniacally depressed jester, the SPAM-knight, two dead musicians, and a chicken. But despite all of her other enemies, Linda had to kill off Polly, and with her newly devised plan, she could not only destroy Polly, but her monarchish brother as well. This way, Linda could get both Paul and control of the kingdom that was 'rightfully' hers.
Two days passed...
At the Sand-Castle-on-a-Cloud two of the persons in residence there were very sick and cranky.
"Oh," groaned Polly. "I feel dizzy." Paul put his hands on her face.
"You're hot, dear." he added with concern.
"Please Paul, I'm not in the mood!" moaned Polly. There was a shrill scream from the other room, and then Itsy came running in.
"Something's wrong with George!" she screamed frantically.
"What?" Paul asked. "Is he alright?"
"Just come and see!" Itsy cried. Polly groaned and started to fall. Paul grabbed onto her and picked her up, and they all went to see what was wrong with the King.
As they walked into George's room, they instantly discovered what was causing Itsy's frantic state -- George had another nose growing out of his chin.
"I always knew you were a freak, George." Paul commented, "But what happened?"
"Well, my nose started running, and then my other nose started running, and I just couldn't keep up with both of them." the Sun King explained.
"Did you call the doctor?" Paul asked Itsy.
"No." the Queen replied. "I'd better though." Itsy cleared her throat and called out as loud as she could, "THE DOCTOR!"
Suddenly, the doctor walked in, sminking of gin. "What seems to be the trouble?" he asked, then looked at George, ill in his bed. "My God she said! I hope that's not contagious!" The King groaned.
Jack came walking into the room. "Who called the doctor?" he asked. "Did Paul overdose on laxatives again?"
Paul's face turned red. "For the last time..." he explained, trying to remain calm, "I thought that they were sleeping pills, alright!"
Polly giggled, then remembered that she, too, was not feeling well, and groaned, "I don't feel too good..."
"And George has an extra nose." Paul added.
"What?!" the SPAM-knight asked.
"Look," Paul said. "I'm not kidding."
Jack looked over at George. "Good Heavens!" he exclaimed, spotting the second snoz.
"What's going on?" asked Jessie the depressed jester, as she joined them.
"George is sick." said the Queen. Jessie looked at George.
"That IS sick," Jessie remarked. "And of course I'm last to know, as usual."
The doctor completed his examination of the King. "You're husband is ill and fading fast," he told Itsy. "'Won't last a week or so, I'd say. I'm terribly sorry, but there's nothing I can do." The Queen sobbed as the doctor left.
She looked up at Paul, who was still carrying Polly. "What's wrong with her?" she asked.
"Nothing." Paul said sarcastically, "We were just married, I'm carrying her 'cross the threshold!"
"Oh yeah, I forgot with George DYING and all that!" Then she thought for a minute. "Wait...you were married nearly a month ago...and there's no threshold!"
"I was being sarcastic," Paul said, rolling his eyes. "She's sick too."
"Mentally," muttered Jessie.
"AND physically." Paul stated, then saw a piece of paper float passed him. "Heh, a message for Polly." He picked it up and handed it to her. She read it outloud:
"Dear Polly,"Do you think she'll be this amused when she finds out that she can kill you all she wants, but you'll just come right back?" Paul asked with a smirk.
"I am sorry to hear that you're ill...NOT! I am the cause of your pain and suffering! You will die, as well as my dear brother George, in a week when the tides change. These tides, which I control from my strategic position on the moon of Earth, are fatal to persons born on your birthday. Have a nice life! Soon I will be Queen! Ha ha ha ha he he ho he ha ha ho ha! BWAAHAA!!!
"Your dearest friend,
"THE GREAT SORCERESS LINDA."
Meanwhile, only a few feet away, Linda discovered that Polly had already been killed, and came back. This enraged the Evil Sorceress, who kept pacing back and forth, until she trapped herself into a hole that she had quickly worn into the ground. She hollered and screamed, until she was at last liberated into light that led Linda to limp to her leachy lair. She then fetched a tube of Sportsman's Goop to fix the hole.
"Sportsman's Goop can fix anything." she said to one of her Cookies, as she finished her repairs.
The Cookie looked puzzled. "I thought that was duct tape," it replied. Linda screamed.
"No! It's Sportsman's Goop!" she hollered, then threw her arms out in rage (similar to the way that rats in cages do) and accidentally broke her magical glass onion. This broke her spell, and suddenly George's second nose disappeared, and he and Polly felt well again.
Linda reached into her pocket to fix the onion with her bottle of Sportsman's Goop, but discovered that the tube was missing. She looked up to see a girl with long brown hair, sneaking away, with a tube of Sportsman's Goop in her hand. Linda ran after her, shouting, "You are a thief!" and soon the girl was in her grasp.
"I stole a tube of goop," replied the girl.
"You robbed a house!" growled Linda.
"No I didn't," said the girl. "What are you talking about?"
Suddenly, Itsy burst in through the door, singing, "My sister's hamster was close to death, and we were starving-" She was cut off by Jack and Jessie, who began to drag her away.
"Thanks for ruining our cover, Its!" shouted Jack," No more Les Mis for you."
Linda gasped. "They're here! How did they find me?!" she screamed, then realized that they probably found her because she put the return address on that nasty letter she'd sent to them.
Angered, she called to her Evil Cookies, "Get them!" No one followed her orders. "I SAID GET THEM!!!" Then she looked back to see a bunch of puddles. "DRAT! THEY'VE MELTED MY COOKIES! I'LL HAVE TO GET THEM MYSELF!"
She picked up a large piece of her broken onion that was still glowing with a bit of magic, and she ran after them. Linda finally came to the realization that she'd never be able to catch them, so she used the last bit of power from the onion to grow a field of poppies, putting Jack, Jessie, and Itsy to sleep instantly. (Itsy sleep? Never.) Once this devious job had been completed, Linda quickly ran off, to become active in other evil schemes.
Polly and Paul found the others dosing in their field of dreams, and the poppies caused Polly to enter a very advanced state of highness, resulting in her falling asleep soon after. Paul stole his mirror back from the sleeping SPAM-knight, pulled out his comb and fixed his hair, just before laying down beside Polly to make a grand guest appearance in Slumberland.
On Pluto, the soothing llamatating of the Great Llama had become interrupted when he sensed that Jack and his friends could be in danger. He chanted softly to himself, causing it to snow on the dark side of the moon, where the poppy field was located. This killed the poppies, but made no advances in waking Jack, Jessie, Polly, Paul, and especially Itsy.
On Earth, George sneezed. (Out of one nose, that is.) This is of no relevance.
Jessie awoke and noticed the snow that had fallen on her. She screamed and fell unconscious.
"Good Heavens!" exclaimed Jack.
"What's the matter with her?" the Queen asked with a yawn.
"The evil-white-shroud." Polly stated.
"Come again?" Paul asked.
"Snow," she explained, "It's Jessie's weakness."
"Oh." said Itsy, "Sorta like kryptonite?"
"Tofu?" asked Jack, who received a myriad of funny looks. "Wait, no. That saved me."
"What ever happened to Linda?" Itsy asked, to change the subject, which no one could figure out anyway.
"I think she went that-a-way." Paul said, pointing to where Linda was. "But I don't know, I just woke up." he yawned.
"We ALL just woke up." Polly said, rolling her eyes.
"Well, I never said anything about you," Paul stated. "I was talking about myself."
"That's not unusual," Itsy muttered. Polly glared at Paul.
"Ach! Why you smug, self-absorbed-" she started.
"Okay, okay." Jack interrupted, "We can all insult Paul later, but now we've got an Evil Sorceress to destroy!"
The group of heroes burst into Linda's secret lair, where she had already begun her latest plan of attack. She had surrounded herself completely with a circle of thick globs of Sportsman's Goop. This defense tactic was not specifically used to discourage Jack, Itsy, Jessie, Paul, and Polly, but was intended to keep the brown-haired girl from stealing her goop again. This attempt, however, failed because the girl obtained the tube by utilizing a handy roll of duct tape in a rather creative and unmentionable way. When the Evil Sorceress discovered her missing goop, she began jumping up and down in a fury, which was a bad move. She accidentally jumped over the protective glue pile, and was wide open to be defeated by the patiently waiting heroes. Realizing this, Linda attempted to jump back over to the other side. It was an unsuccessful trial, and she landed face down in the goop, screaming worse than a banshee down in the bayou.
Then, as it looked as though the Evil Sorceress's vile plan was foiled once again, Itsy wanted to get back home to see how George was. She clicked her heels three times, chanting, "There's no place like home...there's no place like home..." Her train of thought ran into a large brick wall with the assitance of Polly and Paul, who were laughing at her. "WHAT?!" she asked, irritably.
"We need the maps and the mirror to get home, remember?" Polly laughed.
"Oh, yeah." said Itsy, "I forgot with George DYING and all that!"
Jack took out the maps again. "Hey, where's the mirror?" he asked, then realized what had happened to it, "Paul..."
"Nope, don't have it," he said, putting the mirror behind his back.
"Give it here, Paul." Polly told him. He reluctantly gave it up. Then she grabbed his comb from his other hand, and began fixing her hair, refusing to give the mirror to Jack.
"Polly!" he shouted, seriously.
"Quoi?" she asked, innocently.
"Polly!" Paul shouted, "You're using my comb! You know I hate it when people touch my comb... especially you... er, I mean, EVEN you." Polly glared at him.
"Somebody's being awfully conceited today..." she commented, bitterly.
Paul sighed. "Jack, just give me the maps so we can get out of here." Jack agreed, and handed the wrinkled, wadded up (Jack had them, what did you expect? Mint condition?) maps to Paul.
He and Polly used the mirror and the SPAM MAPS, suddenly disappearing, and leaving Jack, Itsy, and the still unconscious Jessie, abandoned on the moon, along with the Evil Sorceress in her 'sticky situation.'
The two instantly appeared back at the Sand Castle, where they began laughing and giggling so much that they were rolling around on the castle's polished hardwood floor, extremely amused by their trick. Their laughter was heard by the Sun King, who, when finding the two of them, began laughing himself. Finally, as the laughter died down a little, George asked, "What's so funny? Did you send another copy to Justin?"
Polly giggled, "No. But we left Itsy, Jack, and Jessie stranded on the moon!" Everyone burst out into laughter again.
"Oh, no, no, really, where's Itsy?" the King asked, laughing.
"We told you, on the moon. I guess she really is the Moon Queen now, heh?" Paul laughed, nearly choking himself. George stopped laughing.
"Seriously," he said. "Where's Itsy? I need to talk to her." Polly and Paul stopped laughing, fearing that they were in trouble.
"She's on the moon." Paul mumbled, "We left them all there as a joke. We were going to go back and get them."
"Paul," the King said, in a regal tone. "I've been waiting a long time for this day." He put his hand on Paul's shoulder, then called out, "GUARDS! ARREST HIM!"
Paul looked shocked and confused (In other words, quite normal.) "You can't be serious!" Paul said, being dragged away by guards. "George?!"
"GEORGE?!" Polly cried. A wide smirk spread across the King's face.
"I've always wanted to do this." the King said, beaming with joy.
"But...but...you...you...you CAN'T!" shrieked Polly, bursting into tears.
"Of course I can, I'm King!" stated George proudly. "Listen, I'll let him go, but not until you bring Itsy back."
"What about Jessie and Jack?" Polly asked, between sniffles.
"Oh, yes. Jessie too," the King said. "But you can leave Jack there if you want to."
"Fine with me." she agreed, unfolding the maps and picking up the mirror. She was gone and back quicker than a bee to a honey pie (or a wild honey pie,) with Itsy and the still unconscious Jessie.
"George!" screamed Itsy, happily. "You're well again! And back to one nose, I see."
"Yep, I feel good as new -- better even. And I even got to-"
"AHEM!" Polly interrupted, very loudly.
George continued to talk to Itsy, "And I even got to arrest Paul for leaving you on the moon."
"What?" Itsy laughed, "You actually arrested him? You've always joked about it, but I never thought you would-"
"HELLLLLOOOOO!" Polly shouted. She was ignored again.
"So are you going to let him out before Polly throws a fit?" Itsy asked. the King looked over at the impatient-looking Polly, and shook his head.
"Come on! It's not fair!" Polly whined.
"Life's not fair," the King retorted.
"So what?! I'm dead!" Polly replied.
"You've got me there," George said, disappointed, "Alright, I'll let him out now."
Suddenly, Jessie started to wake up. She began mumbling and tossing her head back and forth, causing the bells to ring on her jester hat. Then she sat straight up, her eyes burst open, and she screamed, "AAAAAGGGGHH!!! SNOW!" and she fell unconscious again.
There was absolute silence, and no one moved, except to blink occasionally. It was that eerie sort of silence, the kind that's a bit too quiet for anyone's good. And that is the end to this extremely bizarre story.
