A long, long time ago, in a place that no one can remember (or maybe never existed,) there was a magnificent Kingdom. This was not your ordinary, everyday magnificent Kingdom, but it was the most interesting, colourful, magical, surprising, artistic, musical, wonderful Kingdom that there ever was. (or ever not existed.) This (non-existent) Kingdom was called the Kingdom of the Sun, world renown for it's extreme bizarreness and diversity. One of the most bizarre qualities of the Kingdom was the Sand Castle, home of the Sun King, George, his wife Itsy the Moon Queen from the Queendom of the Moon, and most of the other characters featured in these stories.
What made the Sand Castle so unique was the fact that not only was it created entirely out of sand, but also floated atop a large cloud, directly above the Kingdom. It was an interesting, but true fact that it was, for the record, a cumulus cloud. (And don't ask how everyone got up there, that's a whole other story itself.)
The Kingdom was a very happy, very prosperous place under King George and Queen Itsy's rule, until one horrible day, when George's deranged sister, the Evil Sorceress Linda, returned. This might not've been much of a problem, except for Linda had stolen her mother's magical silver spoon in one of the previous stories, making her very powerful. She used her vile mother's old recipe for the original, bitter Evil Cookies and cast an evil, dark spell over the Kingdom, as she was determined to destroy all of the interesting, colourful, magical, surprising, artistic, musical, beautiful, and wonderful things of the Kingdom.
Speaking of the interesting, colourful, magical, surprising, artistic, musical, beautiful, and wonderful, Polly (soon to be Lady Polly {:hint, hint;}) was out riding her horse, Henry, near the infamous Sutt Cliff when she heard a very loud, very maniacal cackle that sounded like something so evil that even she couldn't have pulled it off. Then she saw troops of Evil Cookies tormenting some poor, defenseless Cheese-weasels, and then saw the hideous Evil Sorceress. Polly knew she had to warn the others about her evil spell, which she had over-heard when the Evil Sorceress was telling the Cheese-weasels about her insane plan to make the Kingdom dank, dark, dirty, dinky, depressing, and disgusting once more and take over the throne.
Polly and Henry galloped to the Sand Castle (or maybe waltzed, only because Henry was fixated with waltzing) and tried frantically to find her friends, as to get help. Then, just as she was about to give up and take care of the problem herself, someone bumped into her.
"Hey, watch where you're going! I have to save the Kingdom!" she hollered, then looked over to see her friend Jack-the-SPAM-almostbutnotquite-knight. "Oh, hi Jack. What's wrong with your helmet?"
The answer to her question was quite simple and very obvious; Jack had his helmet on backwards and was totally blinded. "What do you mean?" he asked.
"Are you even aware that it's on backwards?" Polly asked.
"No, it's on right." Jack protested.
"No, it's not, Jack." Polly said, laughing.
"Yes, it is Polly!" he disagreed.
"You just won't admit that you're wrong and I'm right." Polly concluded. "But you need to help me Jack, the Kingdom's in grave danger!" she added, very dramatically and over-acted.
"What's the matter with you?" Jack asked from behind his backwards helmet. "Trying to be a damsel in distress or something, 'cause you're not pulling it off terribly well."
"This is my last chance, you know," Polly pointed out. "After this I can only be in distress."
"Alright," said Jack, backing away a bit. "But talk to your 'knight-in-shining-armour' if you have to do that."
"Fine," Polly agreed. "Maybe I just will." She took off to find Paul, and Jack followed her, crashing into everything as he went along.
"Jack?" Polly called back to him. "Do you know where he is?"
"Who?" Jack asked.
"Where's Paul?"
"I thought I saw him earlier, before the blackout." Jack told her. "He was wearing his armour and fixing his hair alot. He was holding a lance I think."
"Oh, my!" Polly exclaimed. "Of course! I know where he is."
They found Paul atop a familiar-looking horse, and jousting against a much larger, very scary guy with blood stains all over him. Paul saw Polly and blew her a kiss. She nearly fell off Henry.
"Paul!" she called to him. "Come here! I need you!"
"I need you too!" he called back with a smile. "But I'm kinda busy, if you didn't notice! I'll be there in a minute, after I-" Paul's horse kicked him off, and he landed in the mud with a thud. "Alright then! Geez! I'm never gonna beat Gus!" Paul looked up at the horse angrily. The horse seemed to laugh.
"Paul!" Polly cried, running to him. "Paul! I was just out riding Henry when I saw George's sister, Linda! She's got that magical silver spoon and she's trying to take over the Kingdom and turn it dank, dark, dirty, dinky, depressing, and disgusting again! You've got to help me stop her!"
"Henry?" Paul asked. "Henry who?"
"The horse," Polly said.
"That's impossible!" Paul said. "I was just riding Henry! He's right over there!" He pointed at the horse who'd kicked him off.
"No, Henry's right there." Polly corrected, pointing to the horse that she rode in on. Polly and Paul looked back and forth between the two identical horses in amazement, then finally shrugged. "Anyway, we have to tell George and Itsy... and maybe Jessie too." she added. Paul looked over at Jack, who bumped into a wall.
"What's the matter with him?" Paul asked, laughing.
"He won't admit that he has a problem." Polly explained, "He insists that his helmet is on perfectly fine and refuses to switch it around."
Suddenly, a very dark fog started creeping towards them. "That may be our que to get George and Itsy." Paul said. "Allons-y!" He got back up on his horse, Henry, and Polly got onto her horse, Henry as well. Jack ran behind them, still blinded by his helmet.
The three reached the gates of the Sand Castle, when Stan, the royal guard, stopped them. "You are not allowed to enter the castle! Go back! Go back before it's too late!" Stan warned.
"Go back?" Polly asked. "But we live here...sorta...and too late for what?!"
"You are not permitted to enter the castle." Stan said. "There is evil fog approaching. You can not be trusted."
"Listen, Bub!" Polly shouted. "I demand that you let us in! We have to warn the King! There's trouble! Big trouble! Just like what you'll be in once I'm through with you!" Polly held out a tight fist and Paul and Jack held her back.
"It's alright, Polly!" Paul comforted. "I have an idea..."
They snuck to the other side of the castle, where Paul had spotted a window that was left open. And so, they came in through the bathroom window.
They found Jessie in the courtroom doing her jestering, if you could possibly call it that. She sat mopingly on the floor, complaining about life, while her drummer, Ringo, pounded annoyingly on the drums after every one of her supposed jokes. This annoyed Jessie greatly.
"I'd kill you, but I wouldn't want to give you the pleasure of escaping the misery life brings." the depressed jester complained.
"Ba dum dum ching!" Ringo answered on the drums, wearing a wide grin.
"That wasn't a joke," said the not-quite jolly jester.
"Ba dum dum ching!" pounded Ringo.
"YOU'RE FIRED!" shouted Jessie.
"Ba dum dum--oh." Ringo left the room, then entered again adding, "You can't fire me, I quit!" He stormed out again.
"Ba dum dum ching!" Polly and Paul added in, and began to laugh. This cause everyone else in the room to laugh, except for Jessie, and also caused Itsy (She and George had been watching the performance,) to fall out of her chair and onto the floor, where she remained, even after the laughter had died down.
Polly informed the King and Queen of the Evil Sorceress' plan to destroy all of the interesting, colourful, magical, surprising, artistic, musical, beautiful, and wonderful thing of the Kingdom and take over the throne.
So off to save the Kingdom from a terrible fate, this little party headed out , for they could not be late...
Off in the distance they spotted a very bright light coming out of the dark fog. They finally realized that it was a sign, reading:
LINDA'S HIDEOUT THIS WAY!
"It's coming from across the Sea of Green." Itsy stated. "We'll have to take a boat to get there. I can sail." Everyone else rolled their eyes.
From the boat that Itsy was sailing, they stared out across the green sea to see another bright, flashing sign, this one reading:
THIS IS LINDA'S HIDEOUT!
The sign pointed to a gloomy and asymmetrical castle on a small island. Outside the castle, a hideous creature with a pointy black hat on top of a mess of unkempt straw-like hair, held another sign, reading:
I AM LINDA!
Jessie looked back and forth between the King and Linda. "I see the resemblance," she remarked. "But I think she's being a little too obvious, I can tell it's a trap."
"Yes, if my evil sister is being this obvious, she obviously has a plan." George added, thoughtfully. "We should obviously split up to confuse her, I'll go with Itsy, Jack, you go with Jessie, and Paul can take Polly."
"My pleasure." Paul shmarmed, taking Polly's hand and kissing it. Polly blushed and sighed.
"Maybe putting those two together wasn't one of my better ideas," George muttered. "They're making me sea-sick."
"You're not the only one." muttered Itsy, Jessie, and Jack.
Splitting up into groups of two, as to confuse their evil foe, they started off to fight the fiend, and so our heroes did go...
The Evil Sorceress Linda had disappeared into her hideout, guarded by her Evil Cookies. Itsy and George found a long staircase, leading into the castle. They carefully climbed the stairs, but finally Itsy grew tired and screamed, "I HATE STAIRS! I CAN'T TAKE ONE MORE STEP!" (This reaction was probably produced by her previous 'Long and Winding Staircase' incident.)
But Itsy's loud outburst attracted the Evil Cookies, who quickly captured the King and Queen and took them to Linda's dungeon.
"So dear brother," Linda said. "You dare attempt to foil my plans to take back the Kingdom which is rightfully mine..."
"Yours?" George laughed, "Sorry sis, I was born first, and so, I'm the rightful King."
"Soooo?" Linda snapped, then paused, looking for an explanation. "Uh...when I finally get to killing you, I'll be King...I mean...Queen!"
"But I'm Queen!" Itsy shouted.
"Uh...then I'll kill you too!" Linda said. "But first, I want to torture you...kill you off slowly...STEVEY!" she called, clapping her hands.
"You called?" asked the annoyingly nasal voice of some nerd who has had a TV show for way too long. Steve Urkel appeared, holding an accordion.
"Yes." said the Evil Sorceress. "Do your worst!"
"Alright!" Urkel said with a snort, and began to sing and play 'The Song That Never Ends.' George and Itsy screamed in absolute terror.
Meanwhile, Paul and Polly once again found themselves coming into a castle through an open bathroom window that was so conveniently left open. But as soon as they were in, a fresh batch of Evil Cookies popped out from behind the shower curtain and dragged them off to the dungeon.
As soon as Linda saw Paul, her eyes turned into pink hearts that bulged out of her head. Paul held onto Polly tightly around the waist, and muttered, "I'm terrified!"
Linda ordered her Evil Cookies to lock Polly up, but she wanted Paul to stay with her, unharmed. The Cookies carried Polly off to face the torture along with George and Itsy.
Paul tried to run after her, but Linda held him back. "One more move and I'll turn you into a toad!" Linda threatened.
"Ribbit!" said Paul, running after Polly.
"I hate to have to do this, handsome." she said, pulling out the silver spoon and turning Paul into a little greenish-brown toad.
"Ribbit!" Paul said again.
Linda picked up Paul the toad. "I still love you." she said and kissed him. Suddenly Paul was no longer a toad, but back to normal.
"You turned me into a Prince!" Paul exclaimed, "I'm not cut out for royalty!"
"You're MY Prince." Linda said. "Now we can get married, I'm a Princess!"
"Yuck!" Paul exclaimed, disgusted. "Not over my dead body! I'm in love with Polly, I'm going to marry her!"
"NO!" Linda shouted, "You're MINE!"
The screaming from the others grew louder, and then Jessie and Jack burst in, coming to their rescue.
"Release them Evil Sorceress!" demanded Jack, "Or face...the SPAM!" They all stared at Jack, except for Steve Urkel, who just continued to play. Hearing that horrible noise caused Jack and Jessie to fall over, writhing in pain. Everyone (excepting Steve and Linda,) screamed.
They screamed so loud that it seemed as though all hope was lost. But suddenly, John and Gerry burst in through the door.
"SHUT UP!" shouted John, in rage. "How's anybody supposed to get any sleep around here?!"
"Yeah!" Gerry added. "This racket could wake the dead!" With that, they picked up Linda and threw her across the universe, trapping her on the chilling little planet of Pluto and breaking her magical silver spoon.
"Great!" John yawned. "Now I can finally get some rest! I'm so tired, I haven't slept a wink..."
As the two of them left, Itsy said to Polly, "See, I told ya he lives!"
Polly ran over to Paul. "What was that about marrying me?" she asked.
"You...uh...heard that?!" he said nervously, then added, "Ahem...I think there's a frog in my throat."
