"AGG!" Stu yelled. "I can't believe it! I've waited YEARS to kill Polly -- and she didn't die! And what's worse, she fell in love with Mr. Shmarmy himself -- that God-dratted bored bard Paul! Aaaggh!"
Stu Partridge was very mad. He was complaining to his friend Keith Quail.
"Bummer," Keith said.
"And -- AND, they cheered the whole freekin' Kingdom up!" Stu complained. "I HATE POLLY!"
"Double bummer," Keith said, making a face like he did every few seconds. He was wearing skin-tight bell-bottoms. He was also very, very smarmy. (Not to be confused with shmarmy. They are two completely different words.)
"I know. Which is why I called you. I want you to (whisper, whisper.) Got it?" Stu asked.
"Got it," Keith said, mugging.
Meanwhile, Polly and her boyfriend were making out in Polly's room in the Sand-Castle-on-a-cloud-smack-dab-in-the-middle-and-above-the-Kingdom-of-the-Sun.
"Polly!" someone yelled. "Dinner!"
"I'll, um, be there in a minute!" Polly called, as she and Paul the bored bard (Mr. Shmarmy) got up. "Wash your face," Polly said. "You have lipstick all over it."
"Lend me your comb," Paul said. "My hair is a mess."
When Polly and Paul got cleaned up, she opened the door to find a smiling (well, mugging) Keith Quail. Polly vaguely recognized him.
"Hi, Polly and Paul," he said.
"Hi, who're you?" Polly asked.
"My name's Keith," he said. "Hey, you guys both play instruments, right? How would you like to play with the number one TV-show band of the 1970's? The Quail Family!" Keith asked, leading Polly and Paul down the hallway.
While they were distracted, Stu snuck into Polly's room and picked up her cute little hamsters, Abbey and Max. He left one in it's cage, the one that Polly didn't like, Yoko.
"Maharishi!" he called, holding out the frightened hamsters.
"Woof!" said Maharishi, thinking, "Ooh, yummy toys!"
Downstairs, in the dining room, Polly was introducing Keith to everyone. "This is Jessie, Jack, George, Itsy, and this is Itsy's cousin Rianne," she said.
Itsy noticed that Keith's hair was longer than Rianne's. "Hi, Rianne. Read any good books lately?" Keith asked, making a face.
"No," Rianne said, and Keith looked hurt.
Later, Keith asked his sister Laurie what he could do to impress Rianne.
"Try a line on me, and I'll tell you if I think it'll work," Laurie said.
"Umm..." said Keith. "Laurie, I mean, Rianne, since I met you everything has changed, like night into day-" Laurie interrupted, laughing hysterically. "What?!"
"You think girls actually fall for that?" Laurie giggled.
"Bunny Hopler fell for it." Keith sulked.
"Bunny Hopler falls for 'Hello,'" Laurie said.
"Hmph," said Keith. "I suppose that when Mark Hamill-"
"What do you know about Mark Hamill?" Laurie interrupted.
"Only what he told me," Keith smarmed.
"What did he tell you?!" Laurie shrieked. Keith mugged.
Sometime later, Polly discovered her missing hamsters. "Oh, Paul," she cried.
"They're gone!" She searched everywhere, and finally found their remains with her dog, Maharishi. "Maharishi, how could you?!"
"Woof," said Maharishi.
"Polly! POLLY!" someone yelled. "We found a note. It says:
Dear little sister,"Ono!" Polly cried. Then the Quail Family showed up, and sang bad disco songs. One of the songs was about how much Keith loved Rianne, who decided that she loved him back.
I am sorry to hear about your hamsters -- NOT! I was the one who fed them to your dog.Lots of love,
Stu
PS. Ha, ha, ha, ha!"
